By Dr. Adewale
INTRODUCTION
There are two major marital problems that are capable of bringing about marital instability.
They are sexual problems and issues surrounding the fulfillment of the life assignment of either of the partners.
Are you surprised?
Yeah! I knew you weren’t expecting those answers or one of them.
They are actually the major primary marital problems. Every other thing is secondary.
My experience in therapy has proven this over and over again.
In this article, we will discuss one of the two. That is sexual problems. There are several causes of sexual problems. Two of them are previous sexual abuse of one of the partners/spouses as a child mostly and sexual incompatibility.
Again, we will only discuss sexual incompatibility in this brief chat.
Sexual incompatibility can be defined as the existence of a sexual problem due to the non-alignment of sexual ideas, beliefs, and experiences between two partners in a romantic relationship.
We all are from different family backgrounds,
and culture which tends to also reflect in our sexual beliefs, ideas, and experiences.
I really want this chat to be brief so we will only talk about sexual experiences in relation to sexual incompatibility.
There are 3 possibilities.
- A virgin marrying a virgin
- A virgin marrying a non-virgin
- A non-virgin marrying a non-virgin
- Let’s deal with numbers 3 and 1 (they are easy and straightforward) while we end with number 1(a little complicated).
Two “certified” virgins marrying themselves will likely not have major sexual incompatibility problems in terms of sexual experiences if and only if, they are ready to read, learn and ask questions together about sex and possibly involve a therapist to guide them.
Two non-virgins marrying themselves will also not have major sexual incompatibility problems if and only if they are ready to read, learn, and ask questions about sex and possibly involve the services of a therapist. Since they are both experienced in the art and act of sex(that might be an assumption by the way). The area they might have issues is if there is a great disparity in the body counts of both parties. If this is the case, one might be more experienced than the other. If this difference in experience is not managed properly, a big problem might be looming. Which is a lack of sexual satisfaction ultimately leading to extra-marital affairs, separation, or divorce.
The last possibility is a virgin getting married to a non-virgin.In this case, the problem is in the fact that the non-virgin with a greater understanding of the art and act of sex will end up being the “examiner” while the partner or spouse who happens to be a virgin, ends up being the “student ” that is examined during the performance or act by his or her partner and will obviously be under serious pressure to wanting to satisfy the “examiner”. As a result of this, both parties tend to have little or no sexual satisfaction. This might end up having negative consequences in all other aspects or departments of the marriage.
What we advise at Quantum Leap Consulting : - the “examiner” assumed to be well experienced in sex, regardless of the gender, should teach the other partner about the art and act of sex with patience while the “student” should also be humble enough to learn, if not, the person might lose his or her marriage or home.
- They should take time out to talk about the areas of their bodies that get sexually aroused when touched or kissed. They should do this without holding back.
- The “examiner ” should try as much as possible to resist the urge to compare the performance of the “student” to his or her previous sexual experiences with other partners. This helps in reducing sexual tension.
We encourage people in romantic relationships to discuss their past sexual history with their partners gradually in a measured way of course so that both of them can be on the same page. This might be a little difficult in Africa but not impossible.
Dr. Ayodele Adewale (Doctor Michaels @doctormichaels) is a medical doctor with an interest in psychotherapy (Talking Therapy).
Medical Director, Quantum Leap Consulting, a mental health service provider
Executive Director, SOWIFOUNDATION, a non-governmental,not-for–profit organization that provides a platform for professionals to give back to society in the area of mindset reorientation in health and leadership
Managing Partner, Life Mastery Academy, a business and life strategic development organization
